Loss. . . and Gain.

This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life thus far. . . as I sat down to process it all through writing, I realized I really don't know how to even write about it. Three dear people were lost in the space of 4 short days. Heaven is the richer for it but we are left weeping. . . and even as we weep, we are assured that each of these souls is now resting in the arms of Jesus. For them, the struggle and toil of this life is over. Though I do not wish to meet death, I cannot help but be envious of their eternal station. I, too, shall one day meet with my Master and Redeemer but in the meantime, I am left in this mortal shell--trying to sort out, trying to make sense, grieving those who have gone before.
Yesterday morning, we buried a mother--gone too soon from this earth. She faced difficulties that I shall never know in this life and sadly, one day those difficulties overcame her and she saw only one way out. Could I have helped? Was I remiss? She is gone from us and we are left wondering. But no. . . these questions are not productive unless we can apply them to current relationships and seek to be more attentive to those around us. Ultimately, the tragic decision she made did not rest with us. She chose. We weep. We pick up the pieces and carry on, ministering to those she left behind. Above all, we REJOICE. She is at peace. She is FREE. She is in the arms of the One she loved so dearly.
Yesterday afternoon, eyes nearly dry and emotions spent, we buried a child. He, too, was gone too soon. The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, saw that it was in the child's best interest to be at the Throne of Grace rather than here. He is no longer plucking his way through life on this earth. . . he too is free. We comfort the grieving father and are encouraged by his knowledge that his son had indeed chosen Christ.
Tomorrow, we will bury another dear woman. She fell prey to cancer and we were powerless to stop it. There was nothing anyone could do. She also is free. She is free from the pain, from the cancer, from the difficulties of life. Again, we weep. And we rejoice, since Jesus is holding her hand and she is not sad.
Perhaps these writings do not make sense. . . perhaps they sound more negative than they should. . . or perhaps too positive, depending on your perspective. All I can say is that the myriad of emotions this week has been nearly overwhelming. I am so very grateful to friends and family for upholding me. . . and ultimately I praise THE ONE who sees and knows and orchestrates all. It is all for His glory. . . in that will I rest.

Camping. . .

Last year, unequipped and with some trepidation, our family started out on our first camping expedition. We had a fabulous time. There were some bumps in the road and we learned some things, but it was a success. Our second time out last year was a success, but due to the poor campground, wasn't very popular an outing. We packed up quickly and quite frankly, did a lousy job of it. I kid you not--some of our cooking items were not washed until this year when we packed up for our first trip. . .
Enter 2011. Weird weather and crazy schedules prevented us from getting out there until August, when we camped with our homeschool group. Now, this group camping was a new thought to me and I really didn't know what to expect. I really wasn't thrilled about going, since in the past, family getaways have been few and far between and have been just that--getaways. Taking people with us seemed to kind of defeat the purpose. As our group got closer and closer to the camping date, I got more and more excited to go. I have grown to adore these ladies and their families and by the time we actually packed the car, I was busting with excitement!
We had some pretty big hitches in our get-out-of-the-house plan but we did finally make it to the Willow River Campground.
The trip ended up to be a blast--even the torrential downpours that sent us running to wait out the storm at Heidi's house. The children, age 18 down to 4, all played together and interacted incredibly. I was so proud of them. The older 'kids' were a great influence on the younger ones and included them in their conversations and activities. All in all, I am so very glad we went on this new adventure. It has just increased my love of camping and of community. I am very much a homebody and this greatly challenged my tendency to want to just hole up with my family and let the world go by.
During the planning and at the outset of our camping trip, we prayed that the Lord would be glorified through our group. I believe He was.

We Shall Go out with Joy.

Quite some time ago, our adult Sunday School class was discussing 'life verses' and people were sharing theirs. As I listened to everyone quoting these great encouraging passages, I realized how very sad my life verse actually was.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Now, this is a phenomenal verse. I just realized suddenly that I no longer wanted my life to be defined by the pain I had felt but by the joy I had gained through that pain. I started praying for a new verse. Here is the passage from which it came--when the Lord sent it.

Psalm 126
When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The Lord has done great things for them."
The Lord has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O Lord,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
Will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

What a fabulous story, ending in even more fabulous promises! We all travel through trials, struggles, and pain but He is faithful to carry us to the end and turn our tears to joy. Praise be to the Lord who is ever faithful!

"Lord, break the chains that hold me to myself; free me to be your happy slave - that is, to be the happy foot-washer of anyone today who needs his feet washed, his supper cooked, his faults overlooked, his work commended, his failure forgiven, his griefs consoled, or his button sewed on. Let me not imagine that my love for You is very great if I am unwilling to do for a human being something very small." Elisabeth Eliot

An Odd Response

As I post this, I am reminded how much God is not like me. In a good way. While I see only my pitiful little surroundings, He has a whole other thing going on. I'm really glad for that. He always does so much better than I could! Let me explain.
Our family has been going through a pretty rough patch lately, for several reasons. The biggest of those is financial. Don't misunderstand--we have never missed a meal, have a dry, warm house and many, many blessings. I am so grateful for all that we have.
All of that notwithstanding, quite a few things have happened in a rather domino-like fashion and some days I have been faced with a major decision. I have two choices. I can decide that He is indeed Enough--or I can decide that I am better off on my own. If He IS enough, He is enough. Period. It doesn't matter what befalls me or what I lose (or what I gain, for that matter)--I can rely on the Lord to carry me through. Of course I will struggle, I will hurt, I will cry, I will probably default to anger and despair. However, I will always know that He is orchestrating every iota of my life and that He has a much higher purpose for me than I give him credit for.

I have been pondering these things and praying and not getting very far in my attitude adjustment. Then last night I went to pray with my friend, who understands better than anyone else on earth the situation in which I find myself. We talked things over for a bit and then went to prayer. I was amazed to find, once again, that the Spirit dwelling within me prays through me and for me. I was quite surprised to find myself "asking." I spend much time asking God for some things--like things for other people. I also pray alot that I will be obedient, that I will be content, that I will accept whatever it is that God is doing in my life, even though I don't understand it. That's a good way to pray, I think. However, I think I have been missing a huge piece of the puzzle. For some reason, I have always felt that 'contentment' by nature means that I desired nothing more than what I have. That if I asked for 'stuff' or for my circumstances to change, that was being discontent. Couple that with the misunderstanding that Christians should take a vow of poverty and never expect anything else and you'll see why it doesn't occur to me to 'ask.' So I was praying and suddenly the verse "Ask and it shall be given unto you. . . " came to mind. For the first time in--well, maybe years--I actually asked that God would not only 'provide' (that seems to insinuate barely covering necessities for survival) but that He would "bless me" and "do exceedingly abundantly beyond anything I could ever ask or imagine." It occurred to me that we often are in want for lack of asking. Jacob, in the Bible, wrestled with God. He said "I will not let you go until you bless me." I really believe that God wants to bless us. Exceedingly. Abundantly. Beyond what we could ask or imagine. Does this mean I'll get a Mercedes and a trip to the Bahamas? Probably not. Could it? Absolutely. Suddenly I found myself asking that the Lord would prosper our businesses and our farm. That He would bless and bless. That turned into asking what I can give to someone else! (Caught me off guard, to say the least!) I prayed that He would provide opportunities for me to give of my time, my money, my stuff. That He would bring to mind needs that I can meet, even though I feel my resources are limited. I have been incredibly blessed today--the Lord gave me not one, not two, but FOUR opportunities to give. The first two were items that, in the scheme of life, are pretty inconsequential. They were received with gratitude, though--that made it all the sweeter. The third was the opportunity to give some time to help someone get started in a new venture--one in which I have some experience and knowledge. It wasn't a big deal, but was appreciated, nonetheless. The fourth was a very (very!) small gift of money.
I am completely overwhelmed at the joy and blessing that comes from looking outward rather than inward; seeing others' needs rather than focusing on my own. I am learning, learning, and I am so grateful for a patient Teacher.
How incredible that The God of All Mercy would use my time of need to show me how to give.

Simplicities of Life

I say this alot, but only because it's true. I love my life. The weather today was 70 and sunny and though a good share of the day was given to a very unpleasant event, the remainder of the day was bliss. I called my sister-in-law and asked her if she wanted to "seize the day." "Today?" she asked. "Well, I think that's the only way it works." I told her. "I don't think we can seize tomorrow yet." She agreed and brought her brood over to mingle with mine.

The only thing I love more than a campfire is pancakes over a campfire. They were delicious. I think perhaps if we did all of our cooking outside with one pan, we would all be alot skinnier, just by virtue of how much time elapses between first and second helpings. . . by the time seconds come around, we are no longer hungry. Hm. "The Campfire Diet." It bears pondering.

Anyway, as my sister-in-law and I alternately discussed various things and just stared into the campfire, the children found numerous things to occupy themselves. They have spent so much time together since birth that they function much like a big pack of siblings--although they don't fight as much. We don't have much for toys outside so they invent things to do. Imaginative games are always more amusing anyway, both for the players and the spectators. I am pretty surprised at the things I have had occasion to say to them that I never thought I would. "Don't walk barefoot in the manure." "Don't swing the croquet mallet at your brother's head." "Stop eating the grass. You aren't really a horse." "Don't forget to get your doll down out of the tree." I suppose those corrections are in direct opposition to my previous command to "have fun." Somehow they manage to enjoy themselves in spite of me.

I find myself deeply satisfied and content this night. Life is good. My Savior is risen and walks along beside me. My children are happy. My cup runneth over. All is right with the world.

Somebody remind me of this tomorrow.

20 Random Things that Make Me Smile, in no Particular Order

Inspired by dear Heidi.

1. Babies
2. My children giggling
3. The smell of horses
4. The smell of leather
5. The squeak of a saddle underneath me
6. Laughing with friends
7. Laughing at enemies
8. Just checking to see if you were actually reading
9. HOT baths
10. A good book
11. A hot bath with a good book
12. Cheesecake
13. The thought of Heidi's grandchildren (she'll have them before me. Ha!)
14. Alone time with my wonderful husband
15. Encouragement from out of the blue that could only have been a God Thing
16. Puppies
17. Good coffee
18. My church family
19. Corporate prayer with my Sisters
20. Christmas

I love winter. Although I am getting weary of it now, yesterday was a beautiful day. I sat in the house and watched the snow gently falling and wafting to the ground. We had 8 inches of brand new, clean, white snow on the ground. Everything appeared new and untouched.

Funny how abruptly my perspective changed when I was trudging through all that snow, dragging tools and gates, fixing fence. For some reason, the cattle chose the day my husband was gone to continually rip through the fence. 5 times I was out repairing fence and putting the steers back in.

While I am very talented with a cordless drill/screwdriver, I cannot drive a nail to save my life. Especially nails that are made in China. Three whacks and the heads fall off. I didn't have screws long enough to replace the boards, and I was getting nowhere with a hammer, so I resorted to electric fencing wire. Not professional by any stretch of the imagination, but hey--I got the job done.

The Days of Eliza

Sensitive and silly
Creative and quirky
Loving Jesus with all her heart

She adores children
and is a born caregiver.

The days of Eliza
Are Fleeting and short
She's changing and growing so fast.

Lord, teach her,
use her,
continue to mold her,

Protecting her tender heart.
Make her ever Yours.

And thank you
for making her mine.

America, I'm Ericka!

When you look at me, what do you see?
I'm blonde and green-eyed
and adventurous inside.

Sometimes I'm chatty,
God made me that way--
I'm a little bit batty
And I love to play!

I'm insecure, like most girls my age:
But I'm gaining wisdom
Writing each page

Of the Book of My Life
Not sure how it will end
But I'm co-authoring with Jesus,
He's my best friend.

I'm oh-so-treasured
by my mom and dad
And more so by God,
I'm blessed and I'm glad.

So here I am, America
you can love me or leave me
I have friends and family:
I'm happy, believe me!

The Heart of a Child

The heart of a child
like pure, driven snow
Is seeking direction
"Which way do I go?

The world is so scary
the night always dark
And who will go with me,
my pathway to mark?

It's cozy and warm
here where I've been raised
But I must step out--
I've a new trail to blaze.

The path is uncharted
The highway is grim
But I will set out,
Leaning on Him.

I know that God loves me,
He's been here before.
With Him, I look forward
to what is in store."

Face Down

Lord, it's me again,
sitting here in the muck and mess
of my own making.

I know it was wrong.
I knew that I shouldn't.
And yet, I did.

It was wrong, and yet
it's so hard to turn from it--
to let it go--to move on.

I'm asking you to change my heart
to change my mind
to set me free.

I thank you, Lord, that you
are a god of second chances
and third and fourth. . .

That you rescue me again
and again
and again. . .

Treading Water

Little girl, I watch you struggle
Trying to keep your head above water
Lifeline after lifeline lay by
But you can't seem to grab hold.

It's as though the dark waters
Are fighting for your soul.
Hold on, dear one--tread water.

The greatest Lifeline of all is waiting--
Just cling to Him and float--
Find the Joy and fullness of life
That only He can bring.

Stop struggling, my daughter.
Let Him carry you.
Let Him hold you high above the threatening tide.
Just say "yes"--He waits

and waits
Patiently waits.
Just leave the water behind and FLY.